Wednesday, July 16, 2008

What If?



Glitter Graphics


Who am I kidding? I’m TOTALLY freaking out.

Breathe.

Inhale…exhale.

Nope. That didn’t work.

What if the ENT accidently pokes my brain as he inserts the internal part of the cochlear implant? Instant brain damage. Or drills too far into the mastoid bone? Oops.

What if I can never taste food again? Or have a facial tic for the rest of my life on the implanted side? I’ll have to pretend I’m winking all the time. (Two nerves, the facial nerve and the taste nerve can be a concern and the ENT says that in some cases he’s had to cut a nerve to get a clear path to the oh-so-tiny cochlea. )

What if, upon activation and subsequent MAPpings, I get a dud? The implant is a DUD? (They do test it once it’s inserted to see if it’s working.)
Or it malfunctions and doesn’t work? More surgery?

What if?

Breathe.

Inhale….exhale…

Nope. Not working.

It wasn't this bad when I was pregnant for the first time and wondering what labor was like.

Women have babies all the time.

More and more d/Deaf or severely hard-of-hearing people are getting cochlear implants. They are up and around. I have read about other bloggers' experiences with CIs.

Fear of the unknown.

Pep talks are not working. The ENT will be shaving my hair around the ear. Postive thing? I have thick hair.

My thoughts are erratic.

Breathe.

Inhale...exhale.

Is that clock still ticking?

Tick tock, tick tock....

Getting closer...

Breathe......



Yes, just TRYING to keep my mind off of it. Not easy, is it? All I am doing now is trying to keep myself busy. It's exciting and scarey at the same time, like being a first-time mom. Can you believe how many times I've wiped the countertops? LOL. And Hubby didn't like that I touched his stuff. But at least, to me, it's a neater stack, not a lumpy pile in the middle of the counter. I moved it to the corner...hoping he'd find a new home for them. Didn't work. Anyway, as far as getting foods done ahead of time, I just have a lot of frozen foods (pizza, chicken nuggets, and other kind of stuff-yeah, really healthy for my family). If I canot move around too much the first few days post-op (think VERTIGO), I know that Flare can hold the fort (and I will be too, HOLDING the fort with the expected vertigo..._) and I am sure she knows how to turn on the oven. Winks. I know I will get a whack on my arm for that one from Flare.

OXOX

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12 Comments:

At Wed Jul 16, 08:40:00 AM , Blogger Laurie said...

Relax, Shari, relax! You would not be normal if you didn't worry a little. But, you will be fine!

Like they say in yoga, concentrate on the present moment. . . not yesterday and not the future. . .right now where you are.

You will do great. . . I will pray for you!

 
At Wed Jul 16, 09:22:00 AM , Blogger Beth said...

I did the "what if's?" before my surgery last year - and everything turned out just fine.
You'll be fine too - just think of all the good things that will come of it.
Take care!

 
At Wed Jul 16, 10:01:00 AM , OpenID suddensilence said...

Shari, I'm going through the same thing so you're not alone!! I'm trying to keep busy too...that way I get as much done as I can before surgery day, and I don't dwell on the "what ifs".

This is one of those situations where we just have to have faith. It's hard, isn't it?!

My son told me yesterday, "You know you're not allowed to die, right? Dying isn't an option, and neither is a permanent vegetative state or a coma." LOL! Thanks son, for that reassuring pep talk!

I've been trying to eat my favorite foods this week in case my taste nerves get messed up. I'm probably gaining all kinds of weight right now...LOL!

I imagine the family will be eating a lot of hamburgers and sausage cooked on the grill next week. :)

Sending lots of GOOD, POSITIVE surgery thoughts your way, my friend...just one more week to go!!

Hugs,
Wendi

 
At Wed Jul 16, 11:16:00 AM , Blogger lime said...

your nerves are certainly very understandable. this is a major decision. wishing you the very best outcome.

 
At Wed Jul 16, 11:18:00 AM , Blogger hillgrandmom said...

Wishing you all the very, very best Shari. Sure everything will be fine. Praying for you and sending hugs your way.

 
At Wed Jul 16, 01:00:00 PM , Blogger Becky said...

I'm sure nerves are natural. But think of all the benefits?

Let's just pray that not only will the CI not be a 'dud', but that there won't be any problems of any kind, and that your post-op recovery will be a breeze, without any problems, and that He will guide the surgeons very hands?

Okay? I just prayed that for you.

Trust Him, Shari. "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

 
At Wed Jul 16, 06:08:00 PM , Blogger Nessa said...

Jeez, who could stay calm with a list like that - I mean, um, everything will be fine. Did that help?

 
At Wed Jul 16, 10:06:00 PM , Blogger Karen said...

Hey Shari!!!

Hon, I know exactly what you are feeling!! Hang in there!! We are in the same boat! I can't believe our surgeries are so close together!!! I have you in my thoughts I promise! I believe there are four of us having surgery next week! Or three of us! Isn't that crazy?

Hang in there!!!!

 
At Wed Jul 16, 10:44:00 PM , Blogger Laura said...

Oh Shari! How excited I am for you. This will go well and you will be happy I am sure. I will keep you in my thoughts and send all the vibes I can muster. I am so glad I've decided to get back to visiting all those who have been supportive of me. I'm just sorry I haven't been here with you to support you through the countdown.

 
At Thu Jul 17, 12:24:00 AM , Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow you got lots of friends cheering and praying for you. Me too!!!!!! Ohhhh yes the roller coaster of emotions are very very VERY normal. Keep busy.
I was at the clinic getting mapped Tues. Met a gal who is having both done at the same time next week. She lost one ear 15 yrs ago, then the 2nd ear last month. She said I was the 2nd C I person she knows. We exchanged emails.

Again stay busy
HUGS, Molly CC

 
At Thu Jul 17, 01:52:00 PM , Blogger Shari/"Whiger" said...

laurie-Concentrate on the present moment. Heard that before. :) Don't want to be in the present moment during the surgery. LOL

Beth-I guess we all go through the what if's. I tell myself it'll be fine.

Wendi-I am getting calm right now. That is, calm before the storm. Actually, I am very calm, just don't ask me how I'm feeling the night before. LOL

Lime-Thanks. More calmness here.

Hillgrandmom-Thanks. I am amazingly calm right now.

Becky-That's all I ask for. A safe and successful surgery and outcome. Thanks.

Nessa-LOL, it is quite a list, isn't it? Yes, things will be fine...right? I'm calm right now.

Karen-Is there a fourth? WHo's that? You, Wendi, me, and who else? This is getting exciting.

Laura-It's okay. I know you have enough on your plate, too. Thanks for the prayers and thoughts.

Molly- That's neat that you got to meet another CI-to-be. Just like Wendi, both ears will be done. Whoo-whoo. Let the games begin.


Again, thanks, everyone for your support. LIke I said before, I am calm. Just don't ask me that the night before or the morning of the surgery. LOL

 
At Sun Jul 20, 08:53:00 PM , Blogger Abbie said...

Oh boy Shari, concentrate girl! I would start cleaning anything and everything now...

 

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