Dropping a Line

Just wanted to quick drop a line (or two or three...)....

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All Hubby had to do was walk in the house and startle me. I'd jump, I'd scream, I'd gasp and clutch my chest like I wanted to make sure I could catch my heart if it popped out, or all of the above. He would look at me and say that he doesn't mean to sneak up on me. He didn't have to try.

I could be anywhere in the house and I'd hear him. Squeak, creak. (Did I say our house is over a hundred years old? I guess I would squeak and creak, too, if I were a hundred years old.) I'd say, "I hear you." Sometimes I turn to look at him. He'd grin and shake his head and say,"I never meant to scare you before, you know." After a few more times of my turning to look at the source of the creaks, he'd continue to grin at me and say,"Now I will HAVE to sneak up on you!!" Aww, poor baby. I bet he enjoyed his ability to "not" sneak up on me and scare me at will. Now he just has to work at it. (Yeah, that means I hear the kids more, too. I am more aware of when they are coming or going, too. The "mom antenna" is more "tuned up" now....a HA!!)

I was sitting by the open window, reading (usually that will make me so engrossed in the book that I am totally unaware of what's going on around me unless I felt something vibrate, like someone "breaking some wind" on the couch. (Hubby says I wouldn't have to wait till I "felt" it; I would just have to look at the source of the sound and say, "Okay, who farted?" LOL.) I heard some kind of crunching sound outside. I look out the window and see Hubby riding Flare's bike, testing it. Her front tire was flat. She must have ran over some glass or something. The thought crossed her mind that maybe it was sabotaged, but Hubby got a new inner tire for it and said that it didn't look like it was cut or stabbed, so it must have been something she ran over. He also fixed her brakes a bit, too. Flare and I thank him for that. The brakes on her back tire will need to be replaced. Her bike is about four years old and it has had a lot of use over the last two years riding to it to school. (She carried her very heavy bike about five blocks and went to see if a friend could take her home. That was nice. Thanks again, to the friend who put her bike in the trunk and gave her a ride home.) Flare's arm is still sore from her bike-lifiting. The wheels wouldn't, well, wheel, very well being so flat.) She called home and this is what I heard:

Me: Hello?

Flare: Mom? It's Flare.

Me: Flare? Are you still at school? (I looked at my watch. It's about 4:30.)

Flare (what I could hear): ...bike...broke

Me: Your bike broke?

Flare (again, what I could hear): ...D, your interpreter...

Me, confused: Oh, it's D. I thought you were Flare.

Flare: Mom!! It's me, Flare.

Me, really confused: Flare? I thought you said you were D.

Flare: No, I'm at D's house....bike....

Me, the puzzle pieces falling into place: Oh, your bike is broke and you are at D's house. So she's going to give you a ride home?

Flare: Yes.

Me: Okay.

(Whew. Can you see how easily I can be easily confused when I was sure I was talking to one person and then I hear another name and it'd just throw me off? LOL)

I try to turn off my hearing aid at times and just see what I can hear with the CI. Voices are still very nasal-sounding, robotic. It isn't so high-pitched anymore, but it's not clear either. My hearing aid ear takes over for the phone use and speech recognition, though my audiogram says that my hearing aid ear had 32% speech recognition. But I can tell you that, at times, when the HA is blending with the CI, it "overpowers" the hearing aid ear. It picks up voices robotically and other sounds I wouldn't have picked up with the hearing aid alone. I was sitting on the loveseat in the living room and Flare was on the computer, singing. SINGING!! Did she do that all the time? Yes, she did. Whoa. I must have looked like a very calm, tuned-out Mom. LOL.

Onyx is a very noisy walker, too. I never paid attention to how much she drags her feet. I didn't even realize dogs could drag their feet. I can hear her lap up her water.

For the most part, the environmental sounds that I first heard are fading into the background (clock ticking, my breathing, even the "buzziness"). When I was outside, I thought I heard a mosquito buzz. Do they buzz? (I still don't get enough of a warning before getting bit, though. Sigh.

Since Angel's new school is on the outskirts of town now, during recess the kids come across garden snakes (garter snakes), toads, and caterpillars. Angel needed wanted a container to hold a caterpillar so she could keep one. She brought home a fuzzy brown and black caterpillar and named it "Tickles" because it tickles her as it walks across her hand with multiple sticky feet. The school yard is a nature wonderland. I hope there aren't anything dangerous lurking out there.

My next mapping is next Tuesday. Maybe this time I'll get some BEAM and/or autosensitivity programs mixed into the CI settings? These are different settings for the CI. So far all I have had to work with was ADRO with increased volume in each program. Baby steps....


A brief explanation of what these options are:

1. ADRO-for dynamic, changing environments

2. Whisper-soft and distant sounds

3. BEAM-focused listening in crowds

4. Autosensitivity-comfort in noise

Source: http://www.cochlearamericas.com/Products/22.asp

HUGS

Alvinated Moments with the New Map

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Alvin and the Chipmunks

This, I think, is more like what some of the others have said about their activation. I had a lower volume in my first map. I’m glad I did, though. Weaning is good. I honestly don’t know how I would have done if it was so loud right away. I did have traces of heliumized voices during the past two weeks, but with the new map (increased volume) I really notice it.

After I had my CI (cochlear implant) adjusted for the new map, that night as I was doing the dishes, I could hear the water running. It sounded “normal.” I heard the dishes clinking. It sounded ‘NORMAL.” Cool.

When I was outside the other day, I heard the fire trucks going. I quickly turned off my HA to hear the sirens. It was a buzzy siren, but the high pitches were clear. I couldn’t tell you if I would have recognized the sirens if it weren’t for my HA, though.

I heard Onyx bark at me as I was standing at the sink. Her bark isn’t “normal,” but she still has the cutest yip. Sometimes when her water bowl is low or empty, she lets me know in this way. It’s one of the ways she communicates to me about her needs. While we don’t really encourage her to bark, she is a really quiet dog. When the doorbell or phone rings, she doesn’t move or bark. It’s no big deal to her. The only other time she barks (or should I say “yip’ because it’s not a real bark.) is when she wants to be with someone outside. If she’s inside the house, she’ll yip by the door. Or if she’s outside, she’ll yip because she wants to play. Other than that, we don’t usually get a peep out of her.

With the increased volume of the new map, voices are more heliumized than ever. (Where are they getting the balloons from? Just kidding.) I would turn off my HA (hearing aid) and listen. I watched TV. The voices are a bit buzzy and heliumized, but I tried to follow along with the closed captioning. I would make sense of the words as I read them, but I know I wouldn’t have interpreted it on my own. However, the sitcoms I watched always have laughter from a live audience (or is that always fake?). In any case, the laughter sounded “normal” to me!!! More and more sounds are easier to recognize.

The moleskin the audie put under the ear hook did help alleviate the soreness around the tip of my ear, but I worry about it getting dirty and hard to keep clean.

I worked out this morning. I jogged in place for 40 minutes followed by some weightlifting with 3 lb handbells to tone the arms. I really worked up a sweat, so I decided to take the CI off. Using only one ear, the HA ear, I noticed that things sounded “flatter.” What a difference!! It was like the CI actually is starting to blend with the HA ear.

I am really paranoid about washing the CI. I’ve seen the video, but I am still wary about getting too much water into the processor. I don’t want to wreck or hurt its performance.

On the home front, Angel got a free dictionary. It was given to all the third graders. I couldn’t believe that the longest word was this. Can you say that in one breath? Whoa. I bet I'd never pronounce it right. LOL.

The weather’s been on the cool side. Yesterday it poured and today was kind of a cool humid day. I don’t even know a weather term to describe a cool day with cool moisture in the air. It’s not misty, just an overall cool day.

Both girls seem to be keeping up their grades well. I had to email Angel’s teacher. Her teacher mentioned that she got “worked-up” a few times during recess. Angel LOVES recess. What kid doesn’t? I had to ask her what was up. Angel didn’t know. I wasn’t sure if “worked-up” meant hyper or emotional. Angel can be very hyper. Sometimes she gets issues with the neighbor kids-they get into a power struggle of sorts and if Angel got tired of doing things they wanted to do, she moves on and wants to play with someone else. It turns out now that Angel fell on her knees a few times playing tetherball and that was why she was “worked-up” (the emotional kind).

Flare’s high school has a website set up for parents to access the current gradebook. This is pretty common, I know, and I think this is a great way to maintain communication with kids. She’s doing really well. Sometimes I can’t believe this is the same girl who struggled in school a few years ago. I was actually worried that I entered her too early (she just turned 5 in kindergarten and just made the September 1 cutoff.) So I am proud of her accomplishments.

She’s also on the decorating committee for Homecoming. She is artistic, so I am sure she’ll have a few ideas.

Well, that’s all folks.

Tubosclerosis

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Yes, I am playing with words. Tubo-sclerosis isn't a real word. It has nothing to do with TB.

In Medical Terminology (I LOVED that class!!-except for the pronunciation part-how can a severely hard-of-hearing person pronounce all these medical words? I had to really concentrate on them) atherosclerosis (ather/o=fat/plaque, -sclerosis= hardening) meant fat was thickening inside of the arteries, sometimes leading to occlusion or blockage. With "tubosclerosis," [the hardening of the tubing of the hearing aids (HAs)] the tube that connect the earmold to the BTE (behind the ear) model can get blocked if cerumen (earwax) gets lodged up in the HA tube. The sound can't reach the ear). Most of the time, it's just wear and tear. Regular cleaning of the earmold is important, though. About once a year or so, tubes get replaced.

It's just a matter of a few minutes of minor surgery to take the old tubing out and replace it with a fresh, flexible tube. It gets floppy, but it's better than having the hardened tube cause everything to whistle in your ear and affect the quality of sound coming into your ear.

I emailed my audie to schedule an appointment. She said that Hubby could drop it off and pick it up at his convenience if he wanted to. So he did that, and the appointment was canceled. I put my HAs in its special box and then put it in a plastic bag with my name on it. All he had to do was drop it off at the receptionist's desk on his way to work. One problem solved.

New Problem: I'm deaf. Sure, I'm not getting much out of the left ear at all anyway, but the HA helps the right ear pick up sounds I can't with the naked ear. I cannot maintain a conversation without my HAs. I know that everyone will get frustrated with me. (And I will be frustrated not only because I can't hear, but because I know that they are frustrated trying to talk to me. Make sense?) That sounds bad, doesn't it? There are only a few people who have a lot of patience. Anyone with hearing loss can attest to that. It's human nature. All I can say is: Learn some signs!! Or get some pen and paper. I try to lip read, but I am not an expert lip-reader. I relied on sound too much, I guess.

New Problem Solved: I have my old hearing aids. I usually always give them to the Lion's Club. They collect old and used HAs and repair them if necessary and give them to those who can't afford HAs. Just wearing it was little less frustrating conversation-wise for all. The tubing wasn't hardened at all. I guess it just wasn't exposed to the air. I kept it in its special container. :) It's my back-up.

Another Problem: Adjusting to listening with old HAs. Everyone sounds funny, farway-like. More "tinny" and hollow than usual. Brain retrain: Learning to hear-again.

Another Problem Solved: Getting my HAs back with its new tubing. Thanks, audie. Thanks, Hubby. Sounds great. Now things are back to normal.

On second thought, what's NORMAL?!?

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Angel (remember, don't let the name fool you):

"Mom, you matched up my socks wrong. I have a strawberry (design) on one pair of socks."

She got new socks. They are all white, some with yellow or pink edging. One pair has the strawberry on the side. When I folded up the socks, I always look at the edges to match them up and the plain white socks with the pink edges are the same as the ones without the strawberry on it. (I have been known to match up the wrong socks before.)

I look at her apologetically. "I'm sorry, Sweetie. Maybe you should start matching your own socks."

The look on her face was precious. It was like, HUH?

I could see the wheels going around in her head: Oh no. What did I just do? I just gave myself a new "chore." I should have kept my mouth shut.

*****

Upstairs hallway light: It gets turned on when one ascends the steps to get upstairs. It's supposed to be off when one gets up there. Key word here: SUPPOSED to be.

Many times, when the kids go to bed, they turn on that light. I can go upstairs without turning that light on. I just count steps. I get an idea of where I am. I guess I try to get "antenna" signals so I develop a sort of a sixth sense (to get around in the dark, I mean).

If both girls go upstairs, they argue. "She turned it on!" "It's her turn to turn out the light!" A parent's headache. Sometimes I don't notice the light's on. And get angry when I find out that the light's been left on.

The other night, I was tired and I wanted to go to bed early. Angel and I were going to bed at the same time. She suddenly "remembers" she has to go to the bathroom. You know the drill: Stalling tactic.

I decide to leave my bedroom door open to see if she'd turn off the light.

I feel her bounding up the stairs. Boom, boom, thud. Top of stairs. She gets into her doorway.

I holler, "Turn off the light!"

She stops in her tracks, turns off the light, and peers into my darkened doorway. As she proceeds to shut my door, I spy her hand reaching for the light switch.

Oh, no, you don't, I think to myself. "Leave the door open." Her hand drops as the other one pushes back the door. "'Night, Mommy."

Nice try. "'Night, Sweetie."

To Cane or Not to Cane

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That is the question.

I've mentioned this before and I'll mention it again. I have an on-going personal struggle with this topic. It takes an emotional and mental strain on a person to take up the cane. It's going to brand a person for life. I might as well slap a large sticker on my back for all to see. BLIND.

Once I start to "raise cane" (pun intended), it's going to be an emotional upheaval. I know I will feel angry and upset. I just don't like to call attention to myself.

I've spoken, or rather, I've written to on-line friends about caning. Many have had orientation and mobility (O&M) training with the white cane before they were legally blind. They needed to use it to safely navigate in the dark. Some took the training and then left the cane in the closet for a certain amount of time. It could be months or years before they decided to dust off the cane. Then some just carried it around with them, folded up in their backpacks or purses. It's a "baby step" process.

Many have said they'd wished they started using the cane earlier.

It is best to get O&M training while one still has remaining vision. And, there's even staggered O&M training as one's vision gets worse. The training is updated to fit one's visual needs. Listening skills are so important. Those with low vision/no vision listen for traffic, how the tap of the cane sounds (hollow, solid) that can tell the caner that he is in an area with tall buildings or open space.

But what if one has hearing loss? There are different methods in training. Mostly, hearing aids and FM systems are used to help the individual to hear the mobility instructor's instructions and listen for cues. If a caner is deaf, then it's all about the feel of the cane.

I am not an expert on this topic. I am jsut going by what I have learned.

Some caners prefer different kinds of canes: Folding, telescoping, or rigid canes with ball-tip, marshmellow tip, or regular tip. Then there's the length of the cane. Mostly, it's best to have cane be chin-length, though there are some that are at the chest level.

I toss the idea of the cane in my mind. I am scared to go public with a cane. It's humbling. I know I will have large lumps in my throat just knowing that people will be staring. I will have to develop a hard shell or just deal with it.

I still get around okay in familiar places, as long as there's no steps to look out for (wink). I tell myself that I don't need the cane. Maybe a cure will be found and I won't have to use it.

Sooner or later, I'll have to face facts. And convince my family that I will have to start caning for mobility, independence, and safety. I have to keep in mind that I am not the only one adjusting. My family adjusts with me.

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It's wonderful to see Onyx back to her old self again. She's eating. A LOT!! And drinking lots of water. Sometimes I check her water bowl and it's bone dry. As soon as I wash out the bowl and put fresh, cold water in it, I'll get an excited yip and a half-jump from her while I am standing by the sink. :)

I'll throw a plastic horseshoe outside and she's running faster.

I finally got the girls the swimming pool passes. :) They already went swimming. The breeze is cool, so I am betting that they want to stay in the "warm" water.

I found a parent who is willing to pick up Angel in the mornings for school. I just have to find her a ride after school. I have plenty of time. Summer's just started. For right now, I'm cooling it with the phone. I am not hearing so well on it due to a hearing aid maintenance need. I have an appointment next week that can fix the problem in a jiffy. Every time someone's on the phone for me (rare), I'd have to get one of the kids to interpret for me. When Hubby's on the phone, he'll talk to the kids or I will play guessing games.

Okay, this post is getting too long.

Later. OXOX

It's Not Fair

School Bus

We all have those moments when we feel like screaming, “It’s not fair.” Life isn’t fair. You gotta take the lumps and deal with them.

As a child you try to get your parent to change their mind about something. “It’s not fair!!” Maybe it’s about sibling rivalry.

"No fair. She gets to stay up longer than I do!!” or maybe it’s about sleeping over at Gramma’s house. “She went last time. Isn’t it MY turn? No fair.”

You hear about it in school, in the work place, or any place out in the world. There’s rivalry, “me first”, and then there’s the “privileged”. It’s a part of life. Some people get their way.

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Isn’t that what they always say? Life is not fair, you just have to move on. Nothing gets handed to you on a silver plate.

Since my oldest was going to go to high school in the fall, I thought I’d see if she could get school bus service.

I tried this two years ago, but I was told that it was not “hazardous” enough. There weren’t any major highways for the kids to cross on the way to school. They walk eight blocks to school. It’s only a 10 minute walk. That’s not too bad.

The high school is about a 45 minute walk from our house. On top of that, a new church and school is being built on the outskirts of town. The old one will be closed at the end of the school year. My youngest would need transportation to get to the new school.

I called the local school bus. (Lucky for me, I got to talk to women who I could understand most of the time.) I was given another number to call. I describe my dilemma. I am legally blind. I can’t drive my kids to school. How are they going to get there?

The conversation went like this:

Person on phone: Where do you live?

Me: Right in town.

(Most school buses are provided for kids who live in the country.)

P: Do your children have a special need?

Me: No.

P: We can’t help you.

M: Even if the parent has disabilities? Only if the child has a special need? Is that fair?

P: I am sorry. I do understand. You could consider city bus transit or maybe the school can help you?

M: I've already told the school about the situation. Haven't heard anything. Well, thanks for your time.

(I was curt but not overly mean as I hung up the phone. I know it wasn’t her fault. It was just the system.)

City transit? Uh, sorry. Call me judg”mental”, but I don’t like the idea of having my kids wait an hour and a half while transferring on two different bus routes in the morning and afternoon. Too time-consuming. Maybe I am overprotective, too. Maybe I watch too many shows like Law and Order. I don't want them standing at a bus stop at 6 in the morning and getting home at 5:30 p.m.

The school? Like I said, I talked with a few teachers about it. I wanted to see if anyone would be happy to carpool, to pick the girls up for me and take them home from school. I'd be happy to pay for the gas. I haven't heard anything. I just want to take care of it early. Get a head start on it so I don't worry about it.

I'm not looking for a free ride. I am willing to pay for the bussing services if I have to. I don't drive. I don't have a car payment, car insurance costs, car maintenance, or have to fill up my gas tank. That money can go towards transportation.

We need to change something. How many parents with disabilities (any kind-cancer, paraplegic, blind, etc) would like to be able to have school bus service for their kids? What does it take to wake them up? A petition? This is ridiculous. Something has to be done.

The Christmas Stocking

I wrote this last year, but now that Christmas is almost here, I thought I would post it again. :)

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When my youngest was three, I was putting up Christmas decorations. I got to the box with the Christmas stockings. Hers was the one with Rudolph on it.

She asked me if that one was hers. I said, “Yep, that’s yours.” I proceeded to hang up the stockings along the railing of our stairway that led up to the second story.

She asked me, “Where is the other one?” I smiled at her and I told her that she only needed one.

A moment later she said that it was too big and it didn’t fit.

I stopped what I was doing to turn around and look at her. She had her little foot in the big stocking and was trying to hop around in it with her hands holding up the stocking over her knees.

I just cracked up. It was so funny. I shook my head at her. “No, no, you don’t wear it. We hang it up for Santa Claus. He fills it up with all kinds of goodies for good girls and boys.”

Ah, kids say/do the cutest things, don’t they?

Outta the Mouths of Babes

There was a magazine I was reading that have these little cute quips about “Things Kids Say”. It's just amusing how the minds of kids work.

I made a trip down memory lane.

Wisconsinites are well-known as beer-guzzling die-hard fans.

My husband and I have sweatshirts and T-shirts with the Packers and Badgers. I wear a lot of these sweatshirts all the time. When my youngest was about 2 ½ years old, she learned to recognize the letter “W” on my sweatshirt for Wisconsin Badgers. It was so cool. I was happy that she was starting to learn the letters of the alphabet at her age.

One day my husband was watching TV. I mentioned how she knew the letter “W.” But neither of us was wearing a Badger shirt at the time so I couldn't use a shirt to prove it to him. I asked my oldest daughter to get one of the wooden blocks with the “W” on it. She gave me the block. I asked the little tyke what I had in my hand.

She looked at me and then looked at the block and said in a very serious, matter-of-fact tone, “A block.”

My husband just roared. We all did. The little stinker was happy to be the center of attention, especially when it's funny.

After we recovered, I repeated, “What letter is this?”

“W.”

There. But the moment passed.

Every time I think about that moment, I smile. It’s one of the perks of parenting. I should have written down all of the funny things that they did over the years. You think that you will remember them, but you don't. Other things crowd out that memory until it is pushed further and further into the back door of your brain, possibly lost forever. I do wish I knew about blogging when they were toddlers.

Growing Pains: Letting Go

My kids are growing.

Though I know that Angel is too "old" to sit on my lap, there's a part of me that likes it when she does. Do I baby her? I don't know. Any mother, I think, has the hardest time letting go of her "baby".

When Flare went through all the milestones-first steps, first day of kindergarten, etc, it didn't hit me as hard as it does with Angel. She's my baby. She's the last one. I won't get to experience these moments again.

When Flare was in kindergarten, I was pregnant with Angel. I couldn't pick her up anymore. She couldn't sit on my lap anymore. Then, as the new baby, Angel was constantly in my arms and lap.

Angel doesn't have a younger sibling to compete with my lap. Flare is obviously a big girl now.

Flare would constantly remind me that she couldn't sit on my lap since she was five. Why does Angel get to sit on my lap at seven? She has a good point. Hubby even says that she's getting too old to sit on my lap.

I just have a hard time letting go!! She's my baby. :.(

Note to Self...

I found a sport cup my youngest daughter left outside. The grape Kool Aid she had became dried syrup in the straws. Aaaccckk.

from Popcorn Popper.com

Note to self:

1. Do not buy anymore plastic drinking cups with the straw wrapped around it or get crazy straws. Whatever drink is used (chocolate milk, soda, Kool Aid, orange juice, etc) doesn't wash out very well. Arrrggghhh.

2. Be sure to keep track of where the cups are.

3. Make sure the kids are responsible about bringing their cups back in the house when they are done.

4. Be sure cup gets rinsed out ASAP.

Labor Day

Labor Day: Saturday, August 20, 1994 at 11:05 a.m.

Flare: 10 weeks old (I was supporting her back and my hand slipped up so that's why the shoulder looks like that.)

I had a pre-natal check-up on Wednesday, three days before Flare was born. This was when all my checkups went from monthly to weekly. It was the last month of my pregnancy.
The doctor said I was dilating two centimeters.

I look at him, exclaiming worriedly, "I am walking around with a hole down there?" (Gimme a break! This was my first pregnancy. You know…fear of the unknown...)

The doctor calmly says in a matter-of-fact tone, "It just means that you are going to have a shorter labor."

I am not going to argue with that. Why should I? I'll take the shorter route. Too much TV. All that shrieking and labor pains I have seen, though I did like the part where they grab the father's hand and squeeze it really hard during contractions...never underestimate the power of a woman..and her revenge.

Still, I say, "But I am gonna walk around like that for another month!!"

He tried to calm me by saying that lots of pregnant women have done this towards the last month. It was pretty common.

I fret about it. I drive home. I take my Golden Retriever/Black Lab mix (though she did have some collie in her, too) out for our daily walk. Krissi loved walking. It was “our” time.

The next day I go to work. My co-worker gave me some baby stuff with money that she collected from the people in the department I worked in. It was sort of a mini-baby shower from the people in the department I worked in. I got a baby bath tub and a bunch of baby bath supplies. Since she was at my baby shower the previous Saturday, she knew what I received from the shower.

But I did not feel right. I look for my supervisor and tell him I wanted to go home. It was Thursday morning. I didn't even start work yet. I just clocked out just before starting time.

I go home. I call the doctor. I get a 10:30 appt. He tells that I am fine. Go home. I feel like a hypochondriac.

I call my mom and Gramma. They come over to see me. They calm me down. I just didn't feel “right.”

The next day I just called in a day of vacation. I felt a lot better. I decided to go shopping. I stock up on diapers and look at baby clothes. I bump into a co-worker who was also pregnant. She was due anytime. I was not due for another month (September 18).

Off and on during the night, I had a funny pain in my back. It was just “there”. I felt some fluttering in my stomach. I learned later that the baby was hiccuping.

My husband (now ex-husband) needed me to take him to work. I complained about my back and how I didn't feel right. He had a delivery he had to make. (He was driving a dump truck at the time.) My "delivery" was another month. It was 3:30 a.m. At this time, my night vision wasn't bad. I could see enough in the dark. I was 27 years old. I drop him off and he started up the dump truck.

Back at home, I try to get some sleep on the couch. Krissi stayed close to me. I am sure she sensed that mommy wasn't feeling right.

Finally, at 7 a.m., I called my sister-in-law. I asked her what labor pains felt like. I told her I didn't feel right. She comes over. I wasn't in pain. I just didn't feel right. I just had a funny twinge in my back. She called the hospital. The doctor on call asked her some questions. How far apart are the contractions? I shrug my shoulders. I don't know. I didn't time them. It wasn't painful. The doctor said to call back when the contractions were five minutes apart.

All of a sudden I get a twinge again. She timed me. It was five minutes apart. She calls the hospital again. They tell her to bring me in. She tried to call my then husband, but the dispatcher said he would get a hold of him and send him to the hospital.

So, we get to the hospital at 8 a.m. I ask her if she'd be my "coach" since the father wasn't there. She was excited. At 9:00 I was already dilating 5 cm!! Then at 10:00, it was 7.5 cm! Flare came out at 11:05 a.m. on a bright and sunny Saturday morning. I received no drugs for this.

The father didn't get to the hospital till after 12:00!! (Later I found out he stopped by his step-father's to talk and no one knew where he was!! Of course, I was one month early!!)

Family started pouring in to see me. I was kept in the recovery room. It was three o'clock before the nurse came in again to check my blood pressure. She was saying something about the baby. I ask, thinking why I didn't get to hold my baby yet, "Is there something wrong with her?" The nurse said, "The doctor will talk to you." That chilled my heart. Now I was worried. That scared me. I was a new mom. Don't they reunite baby and mom after the baby's cleaned up? It's been four hours!!

Then I was moved to a room. The pediatrician on call said that she had some complications. It didn't hit me yet. She was in a ventilator. Her x-rays showed that she had her bowels in her chest cavity. She had congenital diaphragmatic hernia. He noticed that the heart was beating in the wrong area in her chest. This was why he ordered x-rays. It was slowly sinking in to me. Her insides were crowded in her chest cavity. This stuff does not happen. It happens to other people!!

I was in total shock. At 7 p.m., eight hours after she was born, she was flown Flight for Life (medic helicopter) to Children's Hospital in Milwaukee. She was the youngest in the family to ever fly in a helicopter.

She was operated on two days later and stayed there for nine weeks.

August 24-three days post-op. So many tubes sticking into her tiny hands and feet!! They had her sedated so she wouldn't move.

August 27-one week after she was born. It was the first time I held her. I was so worried about pulling out the tubes by accident.

She was breathing on her own almost immediately. She stayed at the hospital for the first nine weeks of her life. (Dismissal day: Oct. 21, 1994.)

Since then, she's had been a very healthy, very normal child.

Autumn of 1995

July 8, 2007

Happy Birthday, Jennifer!!

You're a miracle!!

Love,
Mom

Scary

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Step aside, Boogie man.

Move over, monster in the closet...you've got competition.

My oldest-usually so logical, got scared by an email sent to her by a peer. This email said that if she didn't send it to 12 other people she would be in mortal danger. It affected her more than a scary movie would.

I tell her it's just a chain letter. Nothing's going to happen. She was afraid to sleep last night. Nothing I said to her calmed her down.

I reason with her. Still nothing. She's afraid that "Teddy" will be under her bed, waiting.

She asked me, "Mom, when you were my age, wouldn't you be afraid of a scary email?"

Me: I really can't answer that. I didn't have a computer when I was your age.

Her, smirking: Oh, yeah, ancient history.

Oh, the smartie pants! I pretend to be insulted: Hey! It's just that I didn't have a computer in the house back then. Nowadays almost everyone has one in his or her house.

Her, clinging to me: I don't wanna be alone.

Can this be happening? Can chain letter emails put fear into people like that? Just delete it. If I had gotten an email I thought was "cute" but had threatened me bad luck if I didn't send it to 10 people, I copy and paste it and omit the bottom part. I also use "blind copy" to send when I want to send it to others. This elimates the long list of emails before the email body from previous senders. I do admit that this particular email didn't have a "cute" message, though. It was sinister, it threatened bodily harm.

I admit that scary movies affect me. I am glad to be able to turn off my hearing aids during a really scary part because of the eerie music. That helped. The other night I watched Ghost Hunters. I totally freaked. I reason with myself that it's all special effects. I guess that I have to meet a ghost in order to believe that there is one. But still, my heart pounds as I check to make sure the doors are locked before turning in...

I was soooo tried last night. I couldn't reason with her. She was afraid something was going to happen to her. I tell her she's going to be okay. (Sage advice from someone who spooks easily, though I know it's ridiculous.)

I tell her to pray and put her trust in God. It comforts me. Of course, I don't have to listen to the sounds of the night. When my hearing aids are out, I am deaf. I can't hear the "bumps" in the night.

Still, it's crazy that a little email can put such fear into people-without eerie music coming out of the computer speakers.

A wise man once said, "You have nothing to fear except fear itself."

Maybe except for this:

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